Strike that and reverse it....

One month later and worlds away from the last post! My hubby and I went to his last appointment with his counselor at the VA and with some guided thinking, we ARE moving to Texas (we have an 80% chance of it at least) and will be moving December 16th!! I can't believe it! I am very excited for the changes that will be coming up in our lives. The school, the physical therapy, the nutritionist, everything that seems to be Made for Steven. I am just so happy for it. Now the real work begins...finding a place to live without ever having been there before, good schools for the kids, things for me and the baby to do, good ward for church, apartment life with a pool vs renting a house with a yard. I have a lot to balance and decide and I need to do it fast because Steven gets to fly down there in 2 weeks to take a test and look around, not me. Wish us luck!!! Adventure here we come!

Disappointment

I am feeling very depressed today. S has decided that he doesn't want to go to Texas at all. I have to come to grips with that and move on but I'm having a really hard time with it. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to. No plans to make. I can't even do what I want at home because we are renting but I can't even think about buying our own place because the prices in our area are still too high. So the way that I see it, at least today, is that everyone in the family has their plans here in Vancouver, but me. I don't even know why this is so emotional for me. There are lots of bad things about Texas, why should I want to go there? The Pacific NW is one of the most beautiful places in the USA, why am I not happy here? What is drawing me away??? Nothing in my life will magically be solved by moving, all our problems will follow us, why do I want to pack all of our belongings and go somewhere where we have few friends and no family? I have no answers, just questions that I cannot answer.

What can I control...

I look at my life and I am happy. I have 3 incredible kids, a wonderful husband and so many blessings. Sometimes though, I get caught up in PLANNING. It is definitely a blessing and a curse as I research and make plans. I am still waiting to hear from the Wounded Warrior Project about school for Steven. I want it so very badly so that we can move away. Run away from home, if you will. San Antonio seems like such an amazing, adventurous, opportunity. I look at houses, I research schools, kung fu, Tai Chi, ballet, things for me to do, things for Steven to do, activities for the kids, church, and all sorts of other things. I have neglected housework as I day dream about our life there in the sun. This happens more on days that feel out of control here. When I am not sure about how our life here is working out, I look and dream. None of this is in my sole control though and I should focus my energy on life here in front of me.... but I continue to sit and day dream about owning our own house with an acre or more of land, the activities that we could do, meeting new people, gardening all year long, hot weather, just all sorts of things!
So, now what can I control that will get me moving again? I can get ready for a garage sale in 2 weeks. I can sort out the kids clothes so that we know what we actually need to buy them for the school year. I can do dishes and make my home cleaner. I can finish all the projects that I started; the back patio, the garden, the mail box, Ramsay's vest.... so many projects and yet all I want to do is read my book and make plans that may never happen... Sheesh!

Interesting things I've been researching

These things pertain to my life and so I find researching them to be empowering and interesting.
I have found a school for my husband in Texas, pushed too hard, backed off, then he got excited (in his way), was then told he had too many credits and didn't qualify. I emailed them his transcripts and pointed out that half of his credits were not college level and those that were, he was failing or very nearly so. They are now reviewing his transcripts and application and we should hear soon what their decision is. (PLEASE!!!!???)
In the past, I never went fishing. My family just weren't in to it and so I never went until last summer. I now LOVE to fish! Yesterday, my hubby bought me my very first fishing pole! He also got the kids their own and some of the accessories that we had been borrowing or doing without until now. Now, no matter where we go, we have a family activity that we all enjoy! In fact the kids are all in the other room right now pretending to catch HUGE fish! "Get the net! It is so big!"
I now am looking in to ballet for our daughter on one web page, the correlation between chronic pain and PTSD on another, local family friendly fishing on yet another, while typing here and waiting for the award of the Medal of Honor to come on on a different site.
As for the PTSD and chronic pain, there seems to be a big correlation between the 2 and Dr's are starting to realize that they have to treat both conditions since they seem to feed off of one another. A PTSD reaction may cause muscular pain as the adrenaline surges causing the muscles to tense, causing more pain.
" ...people with chronic pain may avoid activity because they fear the pain—avoiding activity can lead to physical de-conditioning and greater disability and pain over time. Similarly, people with PTSD may avoid reminders of the trauma. This avoidance of activity can lead to the continuation of PTSD symptoms while also contributing to greater physical disability." - Dr. Stephen F. Grinstead, LMFT, ACRPS, CADC-II Date: February 9th, 2009.
It is good for me to see this as my hubby is going to be going to a new therapist for 8 weeks to try and treat both of these conditions so that he might be able to keep moving forward in his progression. His pain very often gets in the way as we are trying to live our lives. It gets in the way of any plans that he tries to make for us to do activities and then that makes him upset which makes him generally more irritable and volatile and more likely to get angry at us and yell when all of it started with him waking up in excruciating pain.

Apologies only where wrong was done

I'm not sure how this is going to come across, but I hope you see the love that is involved. I am writing because of the reaction that happened when Steven wrote to Emily about our bishop going to Hawaii. How would Steven know how things work when he's never been told? Our trip as a family last year was the first one that he has been as an adult and yet neither he nor I were told that it might be a problem or a hardship for us to be there. If we had been told, we would have planned accordingly. He loves all of you more than you know and it has really bothered him that he put people out by asking about the tickets for our bishop. He has not yet seen your reply to him on the Nihipali page and I'm not sure what his reaction will be besides regret and sadness but it does bother me that you would reply to him like that when he hadn't even talked to you about anything. I am replying like this because I do try to make his stress less since it affects all of us, especially the kids. I don't know what you guys have been told by Clyde and Debby about what Steven is going through, but they won't listen to us and they have minimized everything in their minds and have consistently put him down for his reactions to what they think he has gone through. I live with him and with all of these problems daily and I can tell you that his feelings, problems and reactions are real. He is not faking anything neither is he whining as his siblings have flat out said.
I will understand if you are upset for me by saying these things but I am tired of Steven's family, near and far, treating him so poorly that he cannot be calm when even talking about his brothers especially. I am tired that he feels that there is not one person in his family that he can trust or turn to.
Please don't be upset with him for this letter, he has no idea that I am sending it. Feel free to dislike me, it doesn't hurt me at all. I feel that someone needs to hear it from us or at least come to us if there is a problem or questions instead of getting their info from Clyde or Debby or anyone else about things that they don't know anything about. Steven needs support from family besides just mine although my family has been splendid about supporting him and our little family.
Please pass this on to whomever may Need to know, but it is not meant to hurt anyone but just inform. If there are questions about how he is doing or about the kids, please write to us. We had a wonderful visit last year and had been hoping to come again but I am slightly relieved that we did not since the responses that he got to his questions. Yes, he may have put them badly and perhaps stupidly, but once again, how would he know? Please accept our apologies for things that we may have done wrong. We all love you guys.
~Janell

• Janell
• First of all stop blaming Clyde & Debby for everything tumultuous in your lives. Disobedience to his parents is why Steven's life is in such a mess. I personally don't talk to Clyde & Deb, so for you to say what they have told us is nothing. Steven should stop posting on facebook and saying that he asked for help and got his head bit off!!!! You know nothing about the Nihipali Family, we are very close and for you to say is was a hardship to have you guys come and visit is a bunch of crap! There was no hardship, but Steven them like to "show off" and you guys make it seem like we poor and uneducated. Steven is lazy and to blame the war, is just another excuse for his laziness. Steven just needs to watch what he post on Facebook.

All I can say is Wow! Ok, that's not true, I have plenty to say about that...I can't believe that these people can be so...ignorant about what returning soldiers go through. AND for an aunt, one of his favorites, to say that to his wife??!!! She may not be Uneducated academically, but she knows Nothing about what we are dealing with or about Steven! I just am appalled by the lack of understanding, of compassion, that is being shown!

*sigh*

This week I found myself jealous of my niece's new adventure so I kinda tried to push one on my hubby. Boy did that NOT go well. Never try to force change on PTSD...Oi. I found such an amazing school/career opportunity for him in Texas. We've looked at moving to Texas before and I jumped all over this idea without really checking to see if he was okay with even the Idea of moving anywhere. I just wanted something for him that I guess he doesn't really need. He's doing great here. He's working hard and, most of the time, has been getting good grades. You'd think that I'd learn. I've done this before and it fell flat then, why would the outcome be any different if the attempt is the same?

Next!

Ok so I am learning that I don't know all about PTSD or the effect that it has on me and on our family, yet. This weekend I have learned about Individual Unemployabilty, and a few ways that LEGALLY S's unit was not supposed to be able to discharge him AT ALL let alone without a medical board review! I am going to spend this week trying to gather all the info that I have and I'm going to call Senator Patty Murray and try to get her involved. Maybe having their Boss call will get the National Guard to do their job??? Who knows? I will most likely be posting it on here since I have to have some sort of outlet for my frustration besides making my poor hubby stress more or set of a PTSD reaction to the stupidity that is leaving him out to dry!